They are always lurking


I feel like I’m being stalked.

There is a new couple who moved into our small building and it seems that every time I turn around, there they are – in my face. It’s not intentional, I don’t think, but I am beginning to hate them for it. They have been here a few months and they are driving me out of my skull.

They rent the unit, and over the years, I’ve known everyone who has lived in that unit, and I was friendly with all of them and liked all of them. And I never felt annoyed by them. But this couple – I can’t explain it – they are just there – they are always there.

It’s a young husband and wife with a baby, who seems to be about one-year-old, maybe younger. They own a small restaurant in town, but they seem to always be here at home, when I am, rather than at the restaurant.

They seem to walk the baby around in a stroller or walk their dog every five minutes – they are always doing it. But the annoying part comes in where they are everywhere I am. Just lurking.

If I’m going to the elevator, she is invariably standing there waiting for it. If not standing there waiting for it, when the door opens for me to enter, there she is exiting and I have to say hello to her, which I don’t want to do.

More than once, I would say maybe seven times, when I have come home, driving up in my car, as I try to park in my parking space, she is in the parking space, washing her dog! The hose is next to my car, but rather than pull it out across the lot to a more convenient area, there she is, in my space washing the freaking dog.

And she is always so sickeningly sweet – “Have a nice day.” “Have a beautiful day.”

Her husband, is usually on his bicycle and he is always there when she isn’t there. Come to think of it, I don’t know if I’ve ever seen them together. But I must have. But it’s sort of like they torment me one at a time – only not on purpose.

I’ve lived in this building for many years, it’s a small condo building, only 14 units. I can honestly say, I’ve never seen any one of my neighbors this much. I’ll go weeks without seeing anyone, except for them. I don’t even remember their names.

Another neighbor, my friend Mary, says I am conjuring them up, you know, willing their presence, by talking about them. But I don’t think about them ever – that’s what makes it so irritating, when they pop up in my face so unexpectedly. I feel can do a magic trick, regarding this if I wanted to. I can tell someone, watch this, I can push the elevator button and one of them will appear – no joke.

I have avoided them by not getting in the elevator with them, making an excuse that I forgot something in my car, just to get away and not ride the lift with them.

Mary says I sound crazy, and asked if I told anyone else about this. But I only told her, and now you. I know it sounds crazy, but imagine that every time you opened your front door the same person was standing there. Or you walk in your backyard and there they are. Or you go to park your car and they are blocking your spot. Daily, more than once a day.

I did say something to the lady with the baby yesterday. I came home from Publix with arms full of bags, I hit the elevator key, and out popped mamma and baby. I said to her, “You are always there! You are always coming or going!” She said, “Excuse me?” She wasn’t exasperated, she really did not understanding what I meant. I just let her pass and I got in the elevator without responding.

I’ve taken to using the stairs to avoid the elevator, but of course that doesn’t matter since she is always washing the freaking dog in my parking space and always walking the dog around the elevator area and always pushing the baby in the stroller. The husband, not so much, but again, he pops up when she isn’t popping up.

Another neighbor keeps insisting that we go this couple’s restaurant for lunch, which is right here in the village. I keep turning that down. I see enough of them right here up my ass every day, I don’t need to go seek them out.

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The dreaded beep

American Airlines is trying out this new boarding system, to avoid the “gate lice” problem. You’ve seen it. I just saw it yesterday when I was flying – that’s people who rush to the gate to be the first on the plane, whether their group is called or not.

I fly first class a lot only because I use frequent flyer miles by paying for things for my business with credit cards that give me miles. So I am usually in Group 1.

But even if I think I am one of the first on the plane, there is always someone sitting in the aisle seat where I have to ask them to move so I can get to my window seat. Always.

I give them a dirty look, which they probably don’t notice, but I boycott them during the flight by not speaking to them. I find them to be real “gate lice” and “hogs.”

They say people do this to get the best overhead bin space, maybe that’s it, I usually travel with a small bag that fits under the seat, so I don’t feel the need to rush onto the plane for any reason.

Right now, the new American Airlines boarding system is in Albuquerque, NM and Tucson, Arizona. The system works like this – if your group is not called for boarding, a beep will go off – a loud beep, which will alert the gate agent and the rest of the travelers, I would guess, that alerts everyone that you are not supposed to be boarding the plane yet.

So if you are group 7 and trying to get in with group 1, that ain’t gonna work.

I love that. I find these gate lice people obnoxious as hell. They all rush to the gate to stand and block everyone else. I guess they don’t realize the plane isn’t gonna leave without them. But maybe it all comes down to the overhead bin space again. So maybe they have a point. Who knows.

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